Read Part 1

Opening ceremonies are weird affaires. There are usually lots of long speeches in which remarkably little is said. If I were to reinvent the whole concept I’d get everyone playing embarrassing team building games like hide the sausage which probably would be far more effective at breaking ice and creating a sense of community than nodding off to another rehash of the same speach.
That being said Macedonian opening ceremony excelled in two aspects. One; the speeches never overstayed their welcome and two; we had seats from which to endure them.

One part of opening ceremonies that I do enjoy are the cultural demonstrations. A dance performance by the local Skopje dance club gave off some fabulous Eurovison vibes (which had just aired a day or two previously) heightened by the random addition of the Aussies.

Finally there was a brief reception with drinks and sweet treats which gave us a nice opportunity to catch up with some of the Slovakians we’d lent an angle grinder to at Treignac the previous year. And you know what they say about folks who share angle grinders…

Then it was bus back to the flat for an earlyish bed, before the racing started tomorrow.

Competition

Classic day arrived and with it came the characteristic Macedonian weather we had expected but we’re now thoroughly unprepared for.

As always the conversation on the Bus to the event turned to what we were going to wear? Shorty or deck, long sleved/short sleeved/skins? What did I even pack? Following it’s standard pattern the debate was inconclusive, but I chose to stick with my shorty, not wanting to mess with a good thing.

In the starting order I found myself in a Macedonian sandwich. I’m not certain I’d enjoy this sandwich in every situation but I back myself in the classic and this gave me a good target to chase down and put me well enough from anyone who could try and catch me.

I’d developed a solid race plan through the practices that it was now time to impliment: keep it controlled through the sprint course and then pick it up until you roll into your grave at the finish.

Unfortunately races rarely go to plan, but for every mistake there is a lesson to be learnt. And the lesson for this race is that hot glue doesn’t work in hot countries. Back at the start of march, while it snowed outside and I was outfitting my boat in my flat, attaching my thigh foam with hot glue seemed like a great idea. That way, if I’d cocked it up, I could just heat it up and redo it. What I hadn’t anticipated is that the hot North Macedonian climate would heat it up for me. So, as I picked up my boat to go warm up, my knee foam fell out. With only 30minutes until my start there was no time to perform a proper fix so I just jammed the foam back in and splashed some water on the whole thing to try and cool it down in the hope it might help the glue to set again.

Mercifully they knee foam held for the race (only to comically fall out again as we strapped the boats to the roof of the shuttle) and everything else (bar a stich in my lat, screaming forearms andba recurring cough) went to plan and I managed a respectable 26th place and got the fastest Brit.

All in all the team put in a very good performances with the girls narrowly missing out on medals in K1 and the C2.

Day 2 of racing brought the classic  team event, but this came ith a little extra spice.

In order for an event to be quorate there needs to be entries from at least 5 countries. Despite an ample amount of men’s C1 paddlers, only 3 countries had brought enough of them to make a full team (there are 4 international events in Europe this year which is a lot of holiday for unprofessional atheltes like us). Consequently the request had come through for some other countries to enter scratch teams and we were volunteered as tribute.

The gig came with a crate of beer courtesy of Czechs and Germans (assumeably as an advance thank you for their medals) and the only requirement was that at least 2 boats broke the starting beam. This was a requirement that the Italians took full advantage of. Their K1 man, who did not seem all to thrilled half a paddle, boldly declared he would do “one canoe” and only “one canoe”. Off the start he did one stroke, a full canoe, before sensibly evacualting the river via the starting raft.

We however were not feeling sensible. Spured on by a very successful practice, which involved surviving the 10m from the get on to the starting raft, we decided all 3 of us (with no prior C1 experience between us) would cross the start beam. This seemed to come as a bit of a surprise to the poor french man who’s boat I was borrowing. I’d say he looked moderarely alarmed, scurrying down the side as we wobbled our way down the course.

Rudely, our C1 classic team had been scheduled just 20minutes kr so before our K1 team and so there was no way we’d be able to complete the C1 team, even if we wanted to! Thus having succefully stayed upright through the first and second drops and navigating around the island we all scrapped intonthe 1st eddy that offered any reasonable chance of escape, much to the relief of our french friend. But as the onlookeres helped pull us from the boats we were met with a new sense of unfounded confidence. If we could make it this far, we could probably make it to the end of the sprint!

Our K1 classic team race proceeded with comparatively little drama. There may have been just a little bit of contact at the bottom of the sprint course between me and Phil that almost lead to a big spin out but it was well recovered and we pushed on well as a team through to the finish. We managed a very respectable 7th between us, which achieved our goal of being ‘the best of the rest’. The girls put in an even better race finishing 4th, just outside of the medals.

However the biggest event of the day was the Masters races! This was a great opportunity for us atheltes to watch our coaches demonstrate all the advice they’d been giving us, and to their credit they delivered. Jamie took home the bronze in his age category, Billy got silver in his and Mags beat out her other competitor to claim gold!

The sprints on the following day came and went with none of the K1s making it through to saturdays final. But nobody really cares about the K1 finals (right?). Everyone knows finals is for team racing!

Sprint teams always deliver on the drama with 3 boats screaming down the course nose to tail, desperately trying to not impede each other. While there was definitely one racing line for one boat, the course at Skopje offered multiple options for cramming 3 boats down it at the same time and there were many variations of lefts and rights and splitting islands on display.

Unfortunately the girls run went a little belly up, with Kerry fighting to avoid Katie’s head as it bobbed down in front of her. Us boys however focused on not repeating the same mistakes from the classic team, amd for this we were pretty successful. All clattering through the narrow gap after the finish with a pretty decent time.

However, now it was time for the main event. The MC1 team. Spurred on by our recent successes we fueled with a false sense of confidence. The Italian team definitely weren’t going to finish with Mr ‘One Canoe’ so, if we could make it to the finish we could be in with a chance of a medal! That is assuming one of the other competent teams had massive cock up (but anything is possible in team racing…)

As it happens, they didn’t have a massive cock up, but it was irrelevant anyway as, inevitably, we were the ones to cock up. It is said that pride comes before the fall, and if pride forgets he is missing half a paddle, he may discover that right hand side support stokes are ineffective at best.

After a particularly rousing start that saw nearly as many forward strokes as supports, I fell victim to the eddy lines and waves down the s-bend. Deciding I looked lonely, bobbing boatless down the couse, Phil took a tumble in the final stopper to add to the safety teams struggles. Alex meanwhile was the only one of us to make it down to the finish before promptly pissing it in next to boat control.

With safety deciding I wasn’t worth saving I did my best squirt boater impression as I swam through the swirly gap. I popped up coughing and spluttering only for boat control to shout to me “7C, you are needed for boat control, but you have no boat!”. At least we still had our beers!

Once again it fell to the masters were the ones to take home all the medals with Mags and Billy bagging some extra silver to smuggle back on the 3 day drive back home.

We live in unprecedented times; a phrase that has been said unprecedentedly often recently. That is because recently an unprecedented pandemic has been sweeping the globe. This unprecedented pandemic has required unprecedented responses from governments around the world, such as properly funding healthcare services and listening to scientific advice. This has led to lockdown around the UK (and the rest of the globe), where people are only allowed to leave their homes for essential reasons such as work, buying more booze, and exercise once per day; As long as that exercise isn’t canoeing.

In the UK nearly all navigations have been closed to slow the spread of the virus and to not overwhelm A&E departments with the truly staggering number of casualties watersports usually produce.

As kayakers, not being able to go kayaking may be our greatest fear of all. Second only to the fear of our friends and families dying alone in overcrowded and under equipped hospitals. However us kayakers are a hardy lot and have been finding innovative new ways to not go kayaking. We at River Stench have compiled our favourite options that are definitely 100% safer than just going kayaking!

1. Lifting heavy stuff

Only try-hards own heavy objects specifically designed for lifting. But fear not, Dave from Sussex has discovered that many people just have random heavy objects scattered around their home! Why not try some nice dynamic lifts with anything you may have around your home. Dave recommends: assorted furniture, priceless family heirlooms and pets/small children.

For a more traditional weight bar exercise you can try duct taping bricks to a broom handle. If you don’t have any bricks lying about, just steal some from your neighbours house; the police will be too busy arresting sunbathers to do anything about it.

Dave also suggested lifting a fridge for a real challenge. Just be sure to lift from the back, you wouldn’t want any of those lovely kayaking muscles getting weak now!

2. Back Yard Rolling

Water is arguably the thing that makes water sports more dangerous than non-water sports. Therefore why not replace that water with some nice firm concrete! There is no way you could drown on that. Arguably nobody has taken this more more to heart than the newly formed back yard rolling community, they’ve even got a facebook page! Determined not to let the pandemic get them down they’re even having a competition to see who can smoosh themselves between their boat and the ground the most times in 30 seconds. We at River Stench believe this may be one of the greatest innovations in not kayaking. Watch this space, this is bound to be the next big thing!

3. Road Cycling

Whoa, slow down there you’re saying; that almost sounds like doing a proper sport! But hear me out, cycling is a great low impact way of building your cardio; at least until you fall off. Sure you may have little experience but now is the perfect time to blow all your budget on a top of the range bike and bomb it down the steepest hill you can find. Canals and rivers are clearly too dangerous in the current situation. However, it’s a well known fact in cycling circles that  the faster you go the softer the tarmac. So be sure to only wear your skimpiest lycra body suit and an old battered helmet when sticking it to Chris Froome.

Bonus: If you’re worried cycling may not sufficiently work the shoulders; place your chest on the seat and form a plank with your feet on the handle bars. This should work both your shoulders and your core! It’s probably pretty safe too, right?  I mean nobody’s told us not to…

4. Slacklining

Do you wish you were cooler than you are? Why not try slacklining? At least that’s the advice Josie from Nottingham gave us. Don’t happen to have a slackline just kicking about? Just use a roof rack strap or something instead. Pandemics are all about improvisation.

If you master this skill in lockdown you’ll be able to woo everybody at competitions with your off-water antics. If you’re struggling at first just raise the stakes by raising the line. Nature has no better teacher than consequence.

Pro Tip: While the canals and rivers are closed the towpaths aren’t! Sneak back to your natural habitat by stringing up a line between two banks. As long as you don’t fall in the water the rozzers can’t get you, FACT.

5. Getting changed into kaying kit while hand standing?

We at River Stench don’t fully understand this one. But hey, they seem to be having fun. If you can do it in your own home, how dangerous can contorting into strange shapes while being imminently about to fall over be? And don’t worry if you’ve already locked away all of your kayaking kit, you can just use a plastic bag.

6. Competitive Yoga

In truth I was 50/50 as yoga is notoriously dangerous. Not because of the sport itself but because of its tendency to to make your face more punchable. But with social distancing in force what’s the worst that could happen? Speared by a giant lance? What is this 1536?

Yes, despite its associated hazards, “Yoga is an excellent way to build both strength, stability and flexibility. All useful for kayaking” says Karen from Woking. “However what yoga is really about is mindfulness, the flow of energy and just being better than other people.”

Yes, Yoga has been scientifically proven to be the best way to demonstrate just how well you’re dealing with this whole Pandemic thing. Just be sure to plaster your every pose all over social media like Karen. Otherwise how would people know you’re better than them. While you’re at it, why not go vegan too?

Bonus: once this is all over think how cool you could look doing your zen as balls thing on a SUP board at the next sprint regatta or polo tournament.

7. Homemade Ergo

DIY enthusiast Brian from Leamington Spa is allegedly planning on building a kayaking Ergo for himself. “See all of those random offcuts and rusty metal in that there skip? I reckon I could build a kayaking Ergo from that” a concerned bystander reported him saying.

When questioned on this Brian admitted that he’d “never held a hammer in [his] life”, but was “filled with unjustified confidence” having watched several re-runs of Scrapheap Challenge. “All you really need is the spinny bit at the front, a rope, and an old paddle, right?” said Brian as we hung up.

Best of luck Brian.

8. Just post fake activities on strava

Unable to meet up with our usual club mates, Strava has become a hub for showing off how well you’re coping with the lockdown. But it’s not like anyone’s around to actually see you do or not do the session. You weren’t going that fast at the start of the season, nobody will be going that fast at the end of the season. Next year can be your “big” comeback. Until then it’s just about keeping up appearances.

Did you know there’s a ‘manual activity’ button? We at River Stench are not saying you should, but you definitely could just pretend you’ve done a weight session or something. Lets just all crack open another beer and slam on the next episode of Tiger King.

9. Climbing trees

Okay maybe you do actually want to do some exercise or have already completed Netflix and are just a bit bored? Josh from Basingstoke says “why not climb trees? They’re like nature’s gym equipment!” And we at River Stench agree. Hoisting yourself up to precarious heights is a great way of building upper body strength without having to do anything as tedious as pull-ups.

What’s the worst that could happen? Fall out and break your arm? Sombody’s gotta keep those broken arm doctors busy. They’re probably really jealous of all the fun their buddies are having on those corona wards.

For an added challenge try climbing a tree in a gale force winds. Jumping between moving branches will help improve your coordination. Josh has reassured us that the terrifying swaying motion will take you back to happier days on the river.

Good one Josh!

10. Jousting

Nothing says social distancing like a 10ft lance! Henry from Royal Canoe Club thoroughly recommends this traditional British sport.

We at River Stench hope these exercise tips and ideas make your lockdown a little more bearable. Remeber be safe and stay inside (with the exception of exercise and whatnot). Hopefully we will all see each other again soon on the water. That said I’m still going to remain at least 2m away from you because I don’t like you and you smell.

River Stench is a proud purveyor of ‘Real Fake News’ ™. If you have any comment or death threats please contact us on Facebook, Twitter, or in the comments below. 

Nottingham, UK. Recent reports suggest at least one ‘horde’ of world class kayakers have descended upon the city to mixed reactions from local residents. Among the big names are rumored to be milling around are Dane & Emily Jackson, Nick troutman and one Robert Crowe.

Sam Valman, one of the first to meet the Jackson tribe, released a statement saying: ‘I was in the shop when Dane walked in and just introduced him to me. I almost fainted! Of course I already knew who he was as I’ve been stalking him.’

Rumours suggest that the world renowned paddlers have arrived early to practice for the finale of the prestigious Nottingham Freestyle League, or NFL for short.

This has drawn criticism from some local paddlers who have called them ‘a bunch of bloody try-hards’ who ‘clearly have nothing better to do with their time ‘. Ant Mitchell had this to say on the matter ‘What sort of boring, dull people actually go kayaking, instead of sitting in the pub talking about kayaking?’
However resident Caleb Newsome was quick to rebuff, after repeated telling everyone he knew how he’d been out for drinks with Dane Jackson. ‘Nah Daney-boo is well alright. That’s what I call him now by the way. Daney-boo. We’re besties now’ he continued. ‘Basically bum chums’ he added without anyone asking. ‘Do you think he’d like this ring?’
Other participants on the night out called it ‘the most awkward thing since Bren met that girl at NSR.’
It of course should come as no surprise that big kayaking names from around the world are starting to take notice of Nottinghams infamous event. Last year over 111.9 million people watched the final according to figures revealed by the rigorous River Stench research team. Clearly, after only its 2nd year, the NFL is already the largest and most important kayaking event in the world.
However experts think the Jackson team could struggle at the progressive high level event. The ‘inlet wave’ feature that this year’s final is held a reputation for being ‘absolut gnar’ and ‘back looping tiny slalom kids’ according to site manager John ‘Besty’ Best. ‘Like it really is mad. You should totally book onto rafting for the bargain price of just £45.
In addition to this the HPP white water course has long been a centre of excellence and innovation within the sport of freestyle. The Jackson clan could be severely disadvantaged by their unfamiliarity with the moves underdevelopment from local paddlers Moves that are sure to enter ICF score sheets in the near future. ‘Yeah we know they can loop, but can they Harry Potter or Cosmic Donkey? I doubt it’ said event organiser and head judge James Ibbotson.
We reached out to team Jackson in regards to Dane’s recent engagement to Caleb and and to see whether he thought he could learn these difficult moves before Friday’s competition. This is what we got in return:
‘Why are you lot always so interested in Dane and not me! Like, I’m a world class paddler too. I’ve won stuff. Lots of stuff. Ahh screw it we only came for the beer festival anyway.’
River Stench is a proud purveyor of ‘Real Fake News’ ™. If you have any comment or death threats please contact us on Facebook, Twitter, or in the comments below. 

That’s a question I have heard many times over the past few months.

“When is the next post coming?”

“Are you going to finish the Scotland story?

Admittedly almost all of these questions have come from my good friend Josh, who one of at least three people who read any of these posts (hi Mum & Dad).  I’m fairly certain that Josh’s eagerness for a new post is driven by wanting to read about his daring snowboarding exploits from the day we confused our white waters. Never the less I will explain where this blog disappeared to.

The plan after Scotland was to head to BUCS WWR, then up to Wild Water Selections in Scotland followed by some European competitions. Over the summer I was to head to the alps and then I planned to train hard get a promotion to division 2 in marathon racing. Moving into September I was finally going to attend a sprint event and then maybe, just maybe race at Sickline.

Unfortunately this whole scheme suddenly derailed at BUCS when I got into a punch up with a rock. I like to believe the rock came up a little worse for wear however it was me, not the rock, that was carted off to hospital with a dislocated shoulder. Obviously this meant that my epic tales of paddling were put on hold having missed the selection events. I did still make it to the alps however after one day of paddling my shoulder made another bid for freedom while I was sleeping. These continued problems mean that I am once again receiving treatment on my shoulder which will probably involve some form of surgery in the next few months.

“So River Stench is dead?”

Nope you can’t get rid of me that easily! I’ll probably update this blog over the next few months  with a mixture of shoulder updates and old stories. Maybe I’ll even get some guest writers in so stay tuned. I’m not dead yet.

“Okay, okay. But where is the rest of Scotland?”

Oh yeah, that. I just got a little bored writing it. The whole skiing thing was funny but the other days aren’t really worth talking about. I’ll post up our mounting mountain incidents up shortly, but lets face it nobody wants to hear about the following days of left over tartiflette and that time when Mason didn’t fall off a bridge.

~River Stench is written in front of a live and extremely bored studio audience~