Racice,  Sprint World Championships.

It wasn’t until the first race that the true scale of the British men’s k4 teams’ mistake became apparent. That scale being precisely 1k.

In an interview given before the race, team captain and ‘person who steers the boat’, Matthew Robinson, said that they had been taking the event ‘very seriously’ even going as far to continually walk directly behind each other so that they could ‘continually work on their timing’.

Moving down the line, 2nd man Stelian Naftanaila, confirmed this adding ‘we even sat behind each other on the plane over. When asked for a comment 3rd man Lewis Fletcher  said ‘sleeping arrangements have been, awkward’, staring off blankly into the bald patch on the back of Naftanaila’s head.

While we here at river Stench find this level of commitment admirable, experts speculate that this intensive regime may be the reason that they failed to show up to the world championships with a fourth man.

‘I’m sure we always had four people before?’ remarked Robinson after the crew failed to reach the start of their race. However, further questioning revealed that none of the three paddlers were certain who is supposed to sit in the 4th and final seat of their boat. Naftanaila was confident that who whoever the mysterious member is that; ‘they are probably a dude, I think’. While Fletcher explained that the normal K4 procedure is to stick the ugliest most ‘Shrek’ like paddler in the back and the best looking paddler in the front ‘you know, for all the photos. So there’s no reason you’d want to look back there anyway’. He then hastily added that; ‘we obviously didn’t do it in our boat though. Otherwise I’d be at the front.’

A British Canoeing statement released on the event stated ‘this totally  has nothing to do with years of failing athletes and putting the quest for medals before everything else, including things like education.’ The statement continued: ‘All of our athletes are perfectly capable of doing normal people things like naming farm animals and counting to four. The very notion that a K4 team could put in months of training and preparation without realising there were only three of them is quite frankly preposterous.’ We asked a British Canoeing representative if it wasn’t more likely that they had just ‘accidentally left an athlete at the airport or something’, to which the responded: ‘Well obviously that’s what’s happened, very embarrassing we know. Ha-ha silly us. Clearly we have already dispatched a taxi to go get the missing athlete’ before running away, arms flailing.

Despite  this embarrassing incident the World Championship has so far been highly successful for British Canoeing’s Sprint arm, with all of the athletes remembering to go to boat boat weighing and some even making the B-finals. Basking in the limelight of their success so far another British Canoeing statement said they were  ‘very proud’ of all their athletes who are ‘focusing on the process’ and remembering to take their boats to boat weighing. ‘ We have some very ambitious plans for later in the week: We are aiming to keep our WK4 within the correct lane!’

We here at River Stench wish all of the British Canoeing’s sprint athletes the best of luck in the remaining day of the competition, especially to Ralph Beardmore, Kay Ward and their dog in the C2+dog

Have we gone too far? Have sprint paddlers not gone far enough? Let us know by leaving us a like, comment, or nail bomb.

Athletes are up in paws as the ICF once again has notified them of a last minute change to the scheduled events. Controversy was sparked earlier in April, when the announcement came that events for canoe sprint world championships in Racice, Czech Republic would be changed. These changes ensured gender equality for men and women by giving both an equal number of events, but still making sure the women wouldn’t paddle as far.

The new change, however, is set to make waves amongst both the Sprint and wider Olympic communities as the ICF attempts to make sprint ‘hip and cool again’ according to their latest press release.  The press release states that the change was prompted when high level officials suddenly realised that sprint canoeing is ‘kinda dull’ and ‘basically just rowing but forwards’. 

The change to the world championship line up involves removing almost all traditional events and replacing it with the ‘C2 and a dog’ category that was introduced to the prestigious Barrow Race on new year’s day. The new category takes place across all the standard sprint distances with longer 1000m races requiring a mandatory sandwich break, where the competitors lunches will be assessed by none other than Mary Berry. Sandwich brakes are optional across 500m and 200m races, but highly recommended. Yorkshire tea are already looking to sponsor the event.

When questioned as to why the Sprint events weren’t being replaced with other more established disciplines such as marathon, surfski or even polo, ICF officials said they wanted events that better represented the wider canoeing community. Upon further inspection this apparently consists of a majority of beardy boaters in open canoes, half of which are called Brian.

Current East midlands champions Ralph Beardmore, Kay Ward and their dog, Monty, were ecstatic to hear news of the recent changes. “We’ve had some lovely holidays paddling around the lake district so we’re very excited to get this opportunity to pootle around in some other places too” remarked Beardmore. Monty released a statement saying: “woof”.

River Stench asked some current sprinters whose events had been axed, what they made of the changes: “It is a real shame” said one. “You spend months and months training for an event only to have it pulled away by some bureaucrat” he continued. “Then again I never really liked canoeing which is why I picked sprint. I mean it’s fantastic, you barely have to spend any time on the water”. Still he admitted that while he did indeed hate kayaking, he did love dogs and may just pick up the new category because of this.

In fact British Canoeing have already reported a boom in participation numbers with the selection event for the new ‘C2 and dog’ squad having a larger turnout than any canoeing event ever. The new category really does seem to have hit a chord with the public and is even drawing some big names such as ‘Devon’ who won ‘Best in Show’ this year at Crufts. The selection events, held over 327m, 2k with 5 turns and a tea break, were a huge success and a SIS squad for the new category has already been formed consisting largely of the coaches’ families and friends. Bucket practice was available early in the morning but these were recruited later in the day for washing down boats with sponges.

While these changes by the ICF may be highly controversial with some members of the sprinting community it does seem to be having a positive effect on paddle sports as a whole. Plus everyone is in agreement on something, at least it isn’t SUP.

Today’s tale, like any good fable, has a clear moral message to do with pride, cheese and the dangers fabric outfitting. The difference of course, is that instead of being told using cute anthropomorphized animals this story is told using smelly anthropomorphized kayakers.

In some mountains, quite far from here, some kayakers had gone a paddle. Around about lunch, they stopped for a munch and one Gunter did giggle. He said: “Wouldn’t it be funny if I got Snape’s boat and hid this left over cheese? Oh, could you imagine Snape’s furious face, I bet he wouldn’t be pleased!”

So to Snape’s surprise when back on the river, he discovered a smell that made nostrils quiver. Half a Camembert smeared to his seat, left over remnants of what they couldn’t eat.

Then over the next days the rivers subsided but Gunter’s pride grew and grew. “How’s your boat smelling now?”, he’d ask aloud, to Snape quiet and subdued.

But little did grinning Gunter know, revenge was already planted.  Four days without rain, left under the suns flame, revenge was already hatching.

On the fifth day the waters rose and the paddlers all went a paddling. Gunter’s Karma was raised off the roof, and the smell that emanated led to some puke. For once again cheese was smeared to the seat, but now something was wriggling. Thousands of maggots were milling about, burrowed into the Jackson outfitting. Yes Jack’s pride was sinking.

The lesson: It is far easier to clean cheese off of plastic outfitting than fancy fabric hip pads.

This page is for those people who just won’t leave me alone, and have a habit of popping up in my stories. Its recognition of how they have helped me over the years and so that everyone can put a face to a name. So in no particular order other than those who messaged me first:

Nick ‘Boromir’ Boreham (The Author)

Nick has been paddling now for over a decade across multiple disciplines including Marathon, White water and polo. More recently he has taken up WWR and has just qualified as a Level 1 trainee raft guide. Starting off at the humble Basingstoke Canal Canoe Club, he now often paddles with UoNSK, UoNCP and Nottingham kayak club. Other hobbies include ‘that physics degree I’m doing’, a love of music, long walks on the beach and typing about himself in 3rd person.

 

Matt ‘Big Deal’ Brook

The beater amongst the big deals. Currently taking a year’s hiatus from studying German to work as an LSA and take advantage of weekends and school holidays to throw switch freewheels off any river he can get his filthy RPM on!

Jack Grace

Jack is a turncoat from that ‘silly backwards sport’ of which we don’t speak. Since his enlightening he has started paddling with the infamous UoNSK, become a raft guide at HPP and is now the leading expert in ‘inappropriate hammers’. As booker of the ‘bunk house’ Jack is held solely responsible for the Whitby incident.

Expect this page to grow as time goes on.

You may think of this as a bit of an open letter. You may also think of this as me going off on a slight rant. Either way I’d like to preface it by say that I think that the BBC is a brilliant organisation who make some great television however what they are incapable of doing (and other channels also fall culprit) is paddle sport.

The BBC will often feature canoeing or kayaking in a few programs thought the year usually sending one of the nations beloved presenters on a sedate bimble down the back waters of the Thames looking at reeds, frogs, bridges and if we are lucky they might just get attacked by a swan. This would all be perfectly well and good were it not mortifying to see canoeing shown to the nation by someone attempting to use their paddle as an ore, while constantly referring to rowing their craft, the name of which they will invariable confuse.

In contrast skiing, another niche sport, gets its own series with an infamous theme tune. Ski Sunday, now in its 37th season, covers completion, adventure, platelets, gear from around the world even with its own weather slot just in case you fancied an impromptu trip to Val d’Isere. But most importantly it is presenters are remarkable sports persons in their own right with a deep knowledge and passion for their chosen discipline and snow sports in general (plus they rarely confuse snow boards and skis). This is what really shines through for Ski Sunday an what makes it an enjoyable program to watch. Far better than country file.

Canoeing in the UK definitely suffers from a small P.R. problem. For most people their experience of paddling is floating around a lake or canal in their granddads old boat that remarkably pre-dates not only the perception dancer but probably the invention of fibreglass. While there is nothing wrong with this, few people are aware that canoeing can be so much more than this. Canoeing doesn’t hold a large share in the popular conciousness in the same way that other sports do an therefore people have little understanding of it or any of the disciplines. Consequently any moment where canoeing can be shown to a wider audience is and opportunity to showcase just how awesome canoeing is and attract more people to the sport.

 

Now am I asking for the BBC to devote an entire program to canoeing once a week? YES. Am I suggesting that I would be the perfect person for this? Also, YES. Am I asking that when the BBC rarely features paddle sports they find a talented and enthusiastic paddler to present the program? Well it would be nice. Just hunt down the Graham Bell of boating and most importantly make sure Griff Rhys Jones puts his top hand on the t-grip of the paddle when he’s out canoeing.

On a more serious note though while I am very grateful for the occasionally coverage of slalom competitions it would be nice to see some other disciplines get some coverage, maybe a creek race, some freestyle or, dare I say it, a polo match. Even just a brief mention in the news when our athletes perform well would be a significant boost, reminding someone somewhere that they would be better off in a boat.

[Side note: Should anyone want to hire Nick Boreham to mess around in kayaks for some sort of TV show you can contact him via facebook, @StenchRiver on twitter, smoke signals or messenger pigeon]

Scribbled by Nick Boreham, kindly edited & corrected by Matt Brook.

Quite possibly the greatest BBC coverage of kayaking.