Category: River Stench Reports

Screaming largely ineffective – SUP technique review

Screaming largely ineffective – SUP technique review

New research conducted by the SUP working group has concluded that, contrary to popular instinct, opening your mouth to scream as you fall off a board does little to prevent the swim. “We have discovered that falling into the water with an open mouth actually tends to lead the swallowing of water.” The press release stated. “This significantly increases an individual’s chance of drowning and/or needing to go pee in a bush.

Up until this point it has been common practice for SUP paddlers to open their mouth and make  loud wailing noises whenever they are unstable. Common theories suggested that doing this could act like a jet engine or rocket to prevent the impending immersion of the paddler. However this new research states that the technique is,in fact, useless.

Instead the SUP coaches working group now suggests other strategies such as “support strokes” or “just being better” as more effective methods to avoid unsanctimonious swims.

We asked SUP head coach Brian Jenkins for a brief statement on how long he thought it would take to implement this new advise across the SUPing community. He responded “AHHHH” as he fell off his board.

The research has not been well received by the wider paddling community with many calling it “bloody obvious” and “just common sense”. Pat Baker, a long time coach and accomplished creeker, weighed in saying “we figured out that screaming was ineffective by at least the 1980s. Hell by this point I think even the sprinters had figured this out, and they only go forwards!”

However the boaters of the ‘squirt squad’, the UK’s leading squirt boat collective, disputed the findings stating that “by swallowing water paddlers can become even more dense than normal.” This assumably enables members of the ‘squirt squad’ to achieve a longer ‘downtime’.

The SUP working group’s press release concluded by noting that screaming when you fall in every five minutes can cause additional long term damage to the rest of a groups hearing and is “actually quite annoying. So if you could just stop Brian then that would be fantastic.”

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RIVER STENCH REPORTS: Kayak & Girlfriend cut ties with local kayaker

RIVER STENCH REPORTS: Kayak & Girlfriend cut ties with local kayaker

Newbridge, Dartmoor. Friends and family of local boater Ewan Walters were shocked and surprised earlier to discover that his brand new Pyranah Machno had developed a large crack following a violent dismount from the roof of his car as he was returning home from the river.

Ewan’s now ex-girlfriend, was reportedly outraged and has been quoted as saying: “He only bought that bloody thing a week ago, and that was after he told me that there was no way he could possibly afford to take me out to dinner for my birthday!”

While not shocked by the cracks in their friend’s relationship, local paddlers were surprised hear that Ewan’s boat departed from his roof in a rather rapid fashion. One paddler, who requested anonymity said: “You hear about this kind of thing, but you never imagine it could happen so close to home. I mean, he literally lives 5 minutes from me… good thing I didn’t offer to give him a lift or something.”

A swiftly launched investigation into the event has yet to return any solid answers as to the cause of the accident. Those who witnessed the boat tying in the carpark shortly before the incident claim Ewan did everything within his power to ensure the boat was firmly secured to the roof of his fiat punto, even going as far to “give the straps a bit of a ping” and utter the sacred words of “that’ll do, it’s not going far”.

However some boaters are not convinced. Brian Oldman, who has been paddling since before the invention of both plastic boats and the julian calendar, claims to have never lost a boat off the roof of a horseless carriage. “I always use at least twelve straps when tying boats, christmas trees and people to the roof of my car. One time I even welded a boat to the roof, just to be extra secure.” In addition to this the wise old boater also recommended performing blood sacrifices to both river and road gods before giving the boats a little wiggle and stating “well, that’s not going anywhere.” He said: “It may take me over three hours to pack up and get going,  but it is a small price to pay for safety… and avoiding the wrath of the gods”.

Ewan would not give us a comment on the incident, but did offer us a new Machno – usual bumps and scratches, 1 professional weld.

River Stench Repots: Flying freestylers high on helium

Recent reports from the Nottingham area suggest that local legend and Holme Pierpoint regular Rob Crowe has been inhaling helium to loop larger than ever before. Some are calling this the latest in a long line of doping scandals while others are stating it is merely the next progression in a rapidly developing sport.
Rob Crowe, who has had an impressive year in 2016 becoming the UKs #1 freestyle paddler and joining the Peak UK team had this to say on the matter: “Years ago I was tricked into believing Jackson were developing helium airbags, which was pretty embarrassing. However since then I started to think that it wasn’t such a stupid idea.”

Over the next few years Rob then put his product design degree to good use attempting to develop the fabled airbags with help from other UK based kayakers Gav Barker and Bren Orton. All was reportedly going well untill Bren, holding onto an over sized over thruster, was lifted up into the upper atmosphere and never heard from again. Later it would emerge that he had eventually touched down in Canada where he was raised by a pack of ‘Demshitz’, but sadly both the helium and airbags were shelved due to safety concerns.

That is until now. “I just thought if I inhaled the gas I could just exhale to control my altitude!” explained Rob in a comically high pitched voice. “As a freestyle kayaker I spend half of my time upside down anyway. So there really isn’t any point in that frivolously breathing oxygen thing.”

Of course this isn’t the first time that freestyle kayakers have inhaled gas in an attempt to get high. Years ago when freestyle was merely regarded as creative capsizing rather than competitive upside-down-ness there were numerous rumours of paddlers getting stoned just before events. This of course eventually led to squirt boating.

Rob Crowe was piped to first place last year at the Nottingham Freestyle League (NFL) by ex-colleague Gav Barker. With the event starting again on 14th of april, Rob is hoping that his recent innovations will be the silver bullet he needs to win the prestigious competition. However, Gav had this squeak on the matter: “Rob lacks vision. I mean, Helium was so 3 relative atomic masses ago. We need to look to the future”.

Gav has not been seen since premtively celebrating his victory with flaming tequila shots.