We live in unprecedented times; a phrase that has been said unprecedentedly often recently. That is because recently an unprecedented pandemic has been sweeping the globe. This unprecedented pandemic has required unprecedented responses from governments around the world, such as properly funding healthcare services and listening to scientific advice. This has led to lockdown around the UK (and the rest of the globe), where people are only allowed to leave their homes for essential reasons such as work, buying more booze, and exercise once per day; As long as that exercise isn’t canoeing.
In the UK nearly all navigations have been closed to slow the spread of the virus and to not overwhelm A&E departments with the truly staggering number of casualties watersports usually produce.
As kayakers, not being able to go kayaking may be our greatest fear of all. Second only to the fear of our friends and families dying alone in overcrowded and under equipped hospitals. However us kayakers are a hardy lot and have been finding innovative new ways to not go kayaking. We at River Stench have compiled our favourite options that are definitely 100% safer than just going kayaking!
1. Lifting heavy stuff
Only try-hards own heavy objects specifically designed for lifting. But fear not, Dave from Sussex has discovered that many people just have random heavy objects scattered around their home! Why not try some nice dynamic lifts with anything you may have around your home. Dave recommends: assorted furniture, priceless family heirlooms and pets/small children.
For a more traditional weight bar exercise you can try duct taping bricks to a broom handle. If you don’t have any bricks lying about, just steal some from your neighbours house; the police will be too busy arresting sunbathers to do anything about it.
Dave also suggested lifting a fridge for a real challenge. Just be sure to lift from the back, you wouldn’t want any of those lovely kayaking muscles getting weak now!
2. Back Yard Rolling
Water is arguably the thing that makes water sports more dangerous than non-water sports. Therefore why not replace that water with some nice firm concrete! There is no way you could drown on that. Arguably nobody has taken this more more to heart than the newly formed back yard rolling community, they’ve even got a facebook page! Determined not to let the pandemic get them down they’re even having a competition to see who can smoosh themselves between their boat and the ground the most times in 30 seconds. We at River Stench believe this may be one of the greatest innovations in not kayaking. Watch this space, this is bound to be the next big thing!
3. Road Cycling
Whoa, slow down there you’re saying; that almost sounds like doing a proper sport! But hear me out, cycling is a great low impact way of building your cardio; at least until you fall off. Sure you may have little experience but now is the perfect time to blow all your budget on a top of the range bike and bomb it down the steepest hill you can find. Canals and rivers are clearly too dangerous in the current situation. However, it’s a well known fact in cycling circles that the faster you go the softer the tarmac. So be sure to only wear your skimpiest lycra body suit and an old battered helmet when sticking it to Chris Froome.
Bonus: If you’re worried cycling may not sufficiently work the shoulders; place your chest on the seat and form a plank with your feet on the handle bars. This should work both your shoulders and your core! It’s probably pretty safe too, right? I mean nobody’s told us not to…
4. Slacklining
Do you wish you were cooler than you are? Why not try slacklining? At least that’s the advice Josie from Nottingham gave us. Don’t happen to have a slackline just kicking about? Just use a roof rack strap or something instead. Pandemics are all about improvisation.
If you master this skill in lockdown you’ll be able to woo everybody at competitions with your off-water antics. If you’re struggling at first just raise the stakes by raising the line. Nature has no better teacher than consequence.
Pro Tip: While the canals and rivers are closed the towpaths aren’t! Sneak back to your natural habitat by stringing up a line between two banks. As long as you don’t fall in the water the rozzers can’t get you, FACT.
5. Getting changed into kaying kit while hand standing?
We at River Stench don’t fully understand this one. But hey, they seem to be having fun. If you can do it in your own home, how dangerous can contorting into strange shapes while being imminently about to fall over be? And don’t worry if you’ve already locked away all of your kayaking kit, you can just use a plastic bag.
6. Competitive Yoga
In truth I was 50/50 as yoga is notoriously dangerous. Not because of the sport itself but because of its tendency to to make your face more punchable. But with social distancing in force what’s the worst that could happen? Speared by a giant lance? What is this 1536?
Yes, despite its associated hazards, “Yoga is an excellent way to build both strength, stability and flexibility. All useful for kayaking” says Karen from Woking. “However what yoga is really about is mindfulness, the flow of energy and just being better than other people.”
Yes, Yoga has been scientifically proven to be the best way to demonstrate just how well you’re dealing with this whole Pandemic thing. Just be sure to plaster your every pose all over social media like Karen. Otherwise how would people know you’re better than them. While you’re at it, why not go vegan too?
Bonus: once this is all over think how cool you could look doing your zen as balls thing on a SUP board at the next sprint regatta or polo tournament.
7. Homemade Ergo
DIY enthusiast Brian from Leamington Spa is allegedly planning on building a kayaking Ergo for himself. “See all of those random offcuts and rusty metal in that there skip? I reckon I could build a kayaking Ergo from that” a concerned bystander reported him saying.
When questioned on this Brian admitted that he’d “never held a hammer in [his] life”, but was “filled with unjustified confidence” having watched several re-runs of Scrapheap Challenge. “All you really need is the spinny bit at the front, a rope, and an old paddle, right?” said Brian as we hung up.
Best of luck Brian.
8. Just post fake activities on strava
Unable to meet up with our usual club mates, Strava has become a hub for showing off how well you’re coping with the lockdown. But it’s not like anyone’s around to actually see you do or not do the session. You weren’t going that fast at the start of the season, nobody will be going that fast at the end of the season. Next year can be your “big” comeback. Until then it’s just about keeping up appearances.
Did you know there’s a ‘manual activity’ button? We at River Stench are not saying you should, but you definitely could just pretend you’ve done a weight session or something. Lets just all crack open another beer and slam on the next episode of Tiger King.
9. Climbing trees
Okay maybe you do actually want to do some exercise or have already completed Netflix and are just a bit bored? Josh from Basingstoke says “why not climb trees? They’re like nature’s gym equipment!” And we at River Stench agree. Hoisting yourself up to precarious heights is a great way of building upper body strength without having to do anything as tedious as pull-ups.
What’s the worst that could happen? Fall out and break your arm? Sombody’s gotta keep those broken arm doctors busy. They’re probably really jealous of all the fun their buddies are having on those corona wards.
For an added challenge try climbing a tree in a gale force winds. Jumping between moving branches will help improve your coordination. Josh has reassured us that the terrifying swaying motion will take you back to happier days on the river.
Good one Josh!
10. Jousting
Nothing says social distancing like a 10ft lance! Henry from Royal Canoe Club thoroughly recommends this traditional British sport.
We at River Stench hope these exercise tips and ideas make your lockdown a little more bearable. Remeber be safe and stay inside (with the exception of exercise and whatnot). Hopefully we will all see each other again soon on the water. That said I’m still going to remain at least 2m away from you because I don’t like you and you smell.
River Stench is a proud purveyor of ‘Real Fake News’ ™. If you have any comment or death threats please contact us on Facebook, Twitter, or in the comments below.
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