Nottingham, UK. Recent reports suggest at least one ‘horde’ of world class kayakers have descended upon the city to mixed reactions from local residents. Among the big names are rumored to be milling around are Dane & Emily Jackson, Nick troutman and one Robert Crowe.
Sam Valman, one of the first to meet the Jackson tribe, released a statement saying: ‘I was in the shop when Dane walked in and just introduced him to me. I almost fainted! Of course I already knew who he was as I’ve been stalking him.’
Rumours suggest that the world renowned paddlers have arrived early to practice for the finale of the prestigious Nottingham Freestyle League, or NFL for short.
This has drawn criticism from some local paddlers who have called them ‘a bunch of bloody try-hards’ who ‘clearly have nothing better to do with their time ‘. Ant Mitchell had this to say on the matter ‘What sort of boring, dull people actually go kayaking, instead of sitting in the pub talking about kayaking?’
However resident Caleb Newsome was quick to rebuff, after repeated telling everyone he knew how he’d been out for drinks with Dane Jackson. ‘Nah Daney-boo is well alright. That’s what I call him now by the way. Daney-boo. We’re besties now’ he continued. ‘Basically bum chums’ he added without anyone asking. ‘Do you think he’d like this ring?’
Other participants on the night out called it ‘the most awkward thing since Bren met that girl at NSR.’
It of course should come as no surprise that big kayaking names from around the world are starting to take notice of Nottinghams infamous event. Last year over 111.9 million people watched the final according to figures revealed by the rigorous River Stench research team. Clearly, after only its 2nd year, the NFL is already the largest and most important kayaking event in the world.
However experts think the Jackson team could struggle at the progressive high level event. The ‘inlet wave’ feature that this year’s final is held a reputation for being ‘absolut gnar’ and ‘back looping tiny slalom kids’ according to site manager John ‘Besty’ Best. ‘Like it really is mad. You should totally book onto rafting for the bargain price of just £45.
In addition to this the HPP white water course has long been a centre of excellence and innovation within the sport of freestyle. The Jackson clan could be severely disadvantaged by their unfamiliarity with the moves underdevelopment from local paddlers Moves that are sure to enter ICF score sheets in the near future. ‘Yeah we know they can loop, but can they Harry Potter or Cosmic Donkey? I doubt it’ said event organiser and head judge James Ibbotson.
We reached out to team Jackson in regards to Dane’s recent engagement to Caleb and and to see whether he thought he could learn these difficult moves before Friday’s competition. This is what we got in return:
‘Why are you lot always so interested in Dane and not me! Like, I’m a world class paddler too. I’ve won stuff. Lots of stuff. Ahh screw it we only came for the beer festival anyway.’
River Stench is a proud purveyor of ‘Real Fake News’ ™. If you have any comment or death threats please contact us on Facebook, Twitter, or in the comments below.
River Stench 