Newbridge, Dartmoor. Friends and family of local boater Ewan Walters were shocked and surprised earlier to discover that his brand new Pyranah Machno had developed a large crack following a violent dismount from the roof of his car as he was returning home from the river.
Ewan’s now ex-girlfriend, was reportedly outraged and has been quoted as saying: “He only bought that bloody thing a week ago, and that was after he told me that there was no way he could possibly afford to take me out to dinner for my birthday!”
While not shocked by the cracks in their friend’s relationship, local paddlers were surprised hear that Ewan’s boat departed from his roof in a rather rapid fashion. One paddler, who requested anonymity said: “You hear about this kind of thing, but you never imagine it could happen so close to home. I mean, he literally lives 5 minutes from me… good thing I didn’t offer to give him a lift or something.”
A swiftly launched investigation into the event has yet to return any solid answers as to the cause of the accident. Those who witnessed the boat tying in the carpark shortly before the incident claim Ewan did everything within his power to ensure the boat was firmly secured to the roof of his fiat punto, even going as far to “give the straps a bit of a ping” and utter the sacred words of “that’ll do, it’s not going far”.
However some boaters are not convinced. Brian Oldman, who has been paddling since before the invention of both plastic boats and the julian calendar, claims to have never lost a boat off the roof of a horseless carriage. “I always use at least twelve straps when tying boats, christmas trees and people to the roof of my car. One time I even welded a boat to the roof, just to be extra secure.” In addition to this the wise old boater also recommended performing blood sacrifices to both river and road gods before giving the boats a little wiggle and stating “well, that’s not going anywhere.” He said: “It may take me over three hours to pack up and get going, but it is a small price to pay for safety… and avoiding the wrath of the gods”.
Ewan would not give us a comment on the incident, but did offer us a new Machno – usual bumps and scratches, 1 professional weld.
River Stench 